Big Girls Don’t Cry

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Oh I’m fuming this morning. Some news channel in Stockton, CA ran a story today about a group of women being outraged after being called fat girls on a restaurant receipt. OH MY GOD! Wooot Wooot! SOUND THE ALARM! Some cheese hogs in California are offended because it was called to their attention they consume too many resources!? Sorry Omega Mu’s, you don’t have a right to make headlines just because your miffed that Jeff called attention to your poor life choices. Besides, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for your cause, when you are out scarfing down Coke and TriTip Steak with Fries!?

Now I’m no detective but I can surmise that this wasn’t the first soda these hefty heifers sucked down today. I’m sure they each sat on their gigantic helipad of an ass the entire afternoon, slurping corn syrup at their desks, chewing their cud, depleting the ozone with french fry flavored methane emissions, jiggling around with excitement about going to some nasty chain restaurant for “Girls night out!”  meaning: “We’re all single because we’ve neglected our bodies to the point we look like warm bags of greek yogurt, so rather than change our deep-fried lifestyle we’re just going to commiserate at Chili’s and talk about men and clothes and everything except exercise and proper diet!”

No Mama Cass, it’s not ok that you are overgrown. No Karen, it’s not some fucking glandular problem. You Campbell’s Thick and Chunky chicks need to join a gym and stop making excuses, or at least start jogging to Chili’s for those tri tips! Maybe what you need is a super-sized scoop of embarrassment so you start contributing more to society than driving up the cost of our healthcare. My suggestion is ditch the soda and fried food for some vegetables and go buy a damn jump-rope …until you do, you’re just gonna be fat girls.


One thought on “Big Girls Don’t Cry

  1. Misty

    You are an awesome writer, you had me laughing my ass off through this whole post. Thanks so much for the laugh and the blunt truth, which is what how more people should be.


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