Art Appreciation 101

Delphina’s Sick Again (1769AD)

This piece brilliantly captures the emotion and mindset of the late renaissance period. When people used to lie around all day, sullenly eating bruised fruit or staring off into space in total silence for hours at a time. During this era, nip-slips and side boobs did not quite make headlines as they do in modern times, however, it was not uncommon for a woman to give one of her misshapen breasts a good jiggle in order to coax a smile from the pessimistic company she kept; the result unfortunately was often just more sustained pouting.

To Catch A Predator (1811AD)

Here we see a classic arrangement of characters in various stages of dress; full military regalia… draped gypsy cloth… craggy peasant pubes. The ever-present storm looming off in the distance most likely indicates the artist could not afford the pricey Clear Blue Heaven™ pastel, opting for the more affordable Thunderboomer Grey™ or Doom & Gloom Yellow™.

It’s A Dry Heat (1243AD)

Whoa, big surprise, more people sulking. Here we see a patchwork of hard-to-please citizens from the Holy Roman Empire lazing around wondering when they can go watch a lion rip apart a few negros in the colosseum. Historical evidence suggests this type of racist Roman tailgate would have never occurred in the absence of alcohol, suggesting that the artist was most likely just too lazy to paint a chalice in everyone’s hand.

Lucky 13 (1483AD)

A beautifully elegant work from the late 15th century. In this piece, the artist chose to place his focus entirely on texture and balance. Here we see all the honeys getting wet, waiting for a chance to ride the long rigid vine. The repetitive, soft stroke of his tool creates fine detail in the warm supple moss, the silky-smooth pond water and the forest’s rich supply of honey-glazed ham wallets.

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Purple Pumpkin Eater (1967AD)

And now, fast forward a few hundred years to arrive at definitive proof that humans are moving backwards as a species. Modern Art; the Paula Poundstone of the art world. This perfectly good canvas was ruined by Burgoyne Diller, an American “abstract painter”. Abstract is a pleasant term given to those individuals dying to be called artists but could never draw or paint like one. Yet to every art lover’s astonishment, museums all across the globe continue to display this steaming pile of lazy on it’s walls year after year. Somewhere out there, right now, there is a stuffy art critic encouraging a group of students to look for deeper meaning in this piece.

Somewhere out there, right now, there is an off duty officer tempting children into his van with candy.

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