Best Thing Since Sliced Bread


I’ve always been curious about the saying: “the best thing since sliced bread” How much trouble did unsliced bread really give people back in the day?

[Husband enters stage left:]

“Honey, why are you crying, why are your hands bleeding!?”

“John, I just cannot do this anymore, this bread will not separate by hitting it with my hands – we have to find a solution to this unsliced bread problem or I want a divorce!”

“Marsha you don’t mean that! Have you tried banging it on the counter until it separates into manageable slices?”

“Yes dammit! I even tried chopping down the oak tree in the backyard to let it fall on the loaf in hopes it would separate it into convenient sandwich sized slices!”

“Ok Marsha, I’m calling the fire department, maybe they have a tool that’ll break the loaf apart into sandwich-sized increments.

“They were just here John! They ran the well dry spraying water at it and still couldn’t do anything!”

[Enter neighbor stage right]

“Hey guys is everything alright, I heard a bunch of commotion and screaming?”

“No Percy, we can’t get this cursed bread loaf to slice into sandwich-sized sections! We haven’t eaten in days!”

“Have you tried attaching the four corners of the loaf to some horses and then have them each run in opposite directions?”

“We only have one horse Percy! He just runs around in circles dragging the bread through the dirt anyhow!”

“Ok, hang tight. I may have some extra civil war muskets in the shed – my son’s a pretty good shot, if we nail it to a tree we may have a chance to get some decent slices off the loaf”

“Farmer Kenneth already tried that yesterday Percy!”

“Well let’s try slamming it with the oven door…”

“Don’t you think we’ve already tried that Percy!?”

“Jesus Christ I’m only trying to help Marsha!”

“Don’t you raise your voice at her Percy – get the hell out!”

“Fine! Never again will I step foot in your goddamned bread-related affairs!”

[Exit neighbor stage left] 

“Ok, let’s try tipping the bookshelf over on it – if we arrange the shelves an inch apart and I sand the edges of the bookshelf until they are sharp, it should chop the bread evenly – it’s our only hope!”

“Oh John, I’m too weak to carry on, you’d best start sanding the shelves on your own, nightfall is fast approaching… please hurry!”


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