Keychain Commotion

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Area residents are searching for answers tonight after a man entered a quiet café with an obnoxious set of keys attached to his belt loop via carabiner late this afternoon.

Cafe patrons were forced to stop typing their emails and look up over their laptops to observe the jangling ruckus as the perpetrator stirred nonfat soy milk into his shade grown Ethiopian fair trade organic double shot latte.

Residents say ‘hatred and disgust’ were palpable during the tense moments inside the quiet café as the smug suspect browsed the gluten-free pastries.

“He didn’t appear to be a janitor or building superintendent, just a bunch of loud jangly keys for no reason” – cafe manager

Local authorities say the self-satisfied suspect and his waxed mustache fled the scene on fixed gear bicycle. They will continue to canvas the area throughout the evening.

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