The results are in folks, and I’m here to tell you the Paleo diet works! In just 30 days I was able to lose over 15 pounds, and I’ve now got so much fucking energy I could fight a bar full of Mexicans! Not only is my cholesterol back to normal, but I look and feel great, and my strong sexy core could hold up a collapsing bleacher full of drunk soccer hooligans.
The plan is simple: for 30 days, eat only the foods our Paleolithic ancestors would’ve eaten (rabbits, onions, an occasional pebble or insect etc.) and don’t bother paying cash for any of it because our ancestors probably didn’t do that either. Besides, being chased with groceries in hand is an excellent cardio workout and strengthens most major muscle groups.
Unlike most sad-sack diets, the Paleo diet isn’t concerned with counting calories, it’s all about where those calories come from. Stick with foods rich in protein that you’ll be able to kill in your neighborhood without causing too much of a scene.
Paleo-friendly foods include:
• boar • radishes • eggs • blood • random plants
Foods to avoid:
• Kit Kat • Coors light • wheat • ecstasy • flour
Of course, the 30 day challenge did not come without it’s… challenges. For starters, wearing bison fur sucks no matter how high you are on peyote. I also caught a lot of flack from HR for coming to work barefoot, however with a doctor’s note their hands are tied.
But all of that aside, the single hardest part about the Paleo diet for me was dragging women back to my house against their will. Between our silly modern social constructs and meddlesome onlookers always trying to intervene, you can barely finish your daily paleo routine without Johnny Law knocking at the damn door!
I’m convinced it’s because these Homos have never seen effective Neanderthal dieting in action. They’re so accustomed to the Atkins and Jenny Craig bull roar that they recoil at the sight of old school methods getting true results. Unconventional? Maybe. But good God my biceps are gorgeous. They just glisten in the sun like two veinous Honey Baked Hams, and all I did was follow my ancestors’ example for a month!
For those of you land whales out there wading through a sea of trendy diets only to be left drowning in broken promises – take my 30-day Paleo Challenge and get results NOW! (or in roughly 30 days)