How To: Win a Fight in a Coffee Shop

If you’ve spent anytime in coffee shops here in San Francisco, you no doubt have been asked by a total stranger if you would “watch their stuff for a second”. It’s a fairly common occurrence and unless you’re a total shit-wipe the answer is always yes. Yes ma’am, I will watch your coffee, your bagel, and your $2100.00 Macbook Pro with the 15-inch, scrotum-tickling, crystal-clear retina display – no problem. 

But have you ever really thought about what saying yes involves? Have you ever pondered the reality of some 350lb. whiskey-soaked meat head lunging towards a total stranger’s stunningly beautiful 15-inch Macbook Pro with the hair-raising, nipple hardening, 5 million pixel retina display?

You’d be thrown into a very sticky situation indeed. Because you promised that stranger to defend the honor of her belongings… and this isn’t just a cup of coffee we’re talking about. We are talking about a Goddamned 15-inch Macbook Pro with orgasm-inducing, hunger-curing, dig-your-grandmother-from-the-grave-and-slap-the-dust-off retina display!

Boot Up:

So now your delicate porcelain frame has to spring into action to fend off the burglar’s barbaric onslaught. Grasp your iPhone 4s with AppleCare+ insurance which extends your repair coverage for up to two years from the original purchase date and sling it at the offender’s massive granite jaw like a frisbee. Before hurling it, alert Siri to call the authorities.

Unplug your exquisitely-crafted, Macbook charger from the wall and begin to swing it wildly above your head like a medieval mace… most days the charger’s panty-droppingly-clever design allows the cable to be wound neatly around itself for easy cable storage… but today it will be quickly unwound to inflict maximum damage to another man’s skull.

Picture 5

Power Move:

At this point, the iPhone 4s with its clitoris-stomping CPU performance will have made direct contact with the perpetrator’s teeth and Siri will have alerted the police with mole-on-an-ants-ass-accuracy in pinning your GPS coordinates – that is when you move closer with the violently spinning, lithium polymer wall charger…

THWACK! Once the beautifully designed charger makes bone-crushing contact, swing the sleek and stylish adapter in the opposite direction so the DC cord wraps one full turn around your opponent’s neck. The sophisticated folding cord clips of the adapter will hook the cable much like a grappling hook on a roof in some old, low-budget Batman flick. Pull tightly.

Force Quit:

As he gasps for air and/or looks for his missing front teeth, you will need to disorient the enemy by placing the Neoprene Macbook case over his head.  Lightweight protection in a simple design, the Neoprene Pro Sleeve features a separate charging port zipper that will allow room for the cable to continue it’s stranglehold on the offender’s trachea while still delivering unprecedented protection from light, dust, and debris.

Time to immobilize the criminal’s hands and feet. Luckily, Apple provides a 4 foot, AC adapter cable with the purchase of any Macbook, Macbook Pro or Macbook Air – this will do the job with enhanced, tangle-free efficiency, every time.

Log Off:

By now the Police have arrived to haul the criminal away, and the woman is returning from the restroom. She will be pleased to see that you had watched over her 15-inch Macbook Pro with the cancer-curing, regime-toppling, rhino-cock-swinging retina display and may even give you a flirtatious wink. In need of some fresh air and a smoke, you kindly ask: could you watch my stuff for a second? Whether or not she chooses to accept the challenge will depend on her ability to Think Different.

This blog was made in California.

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