Today I made a goddamned smoothie and decided to throw in some goddamned flax seeds for some added goddamned nutrition. But as I was preparing ingredients, the goddamned bag slipped from my grip and 16 oz. of flax seed proceeded to explode all over the goddamned kitchen floor. Seeds everywhere. Under the goddamned stove, under the goddamned fridge… I even found a flax seed in the goddamned broom closet!
By my calculations, that seed left the bag and travelled down the goddamned hall, over an oriental rug, and around 2 goddamned corners to arrive at the broom closet in the 7 seconds it took me to walk there to fetch the goddamned broom! That’s over 75 goddamned miles per hour!
I now see the health benefits of these goddamned seeds. Just today I burned 6,000 calories trying to sweep them up with a goddamned cracked dollar store dust pan… because running a vacuum over a pile of them only causes the tiny bastards to go flying 50 feet in every direction like a goddamned fertilizer spreader.
In a billion years when the Sun expands and engulfs the 4 goddamned inner planets, flax seeds will still be sprouting from the rubble of this goddamned apartment.