Calm Down There, Astronaut

I’m trying to watch this otherwise wonderful documentary on the cosmos but every time they cut to this one Astronomer Philip, he starts giving his Hollywood scripted doomsday scenarios about an asteroid hitting Earth, or the Sun exploding like a Supernova… Christ Almighty Philip! Can I just learn about space without all the Hollywood shtick?

And of course they’ve got CGI special effects to illustrate his wild scenarios in full detail – because learning about the Universe isn’t fascinating enough without footage of NYC getting blown the fuck up by an angry Quasar. In fact, if they took out all the scenes of recognizable landmarks being vaporized, the documentary would be nothing but intro credits and one hour of Astro-Philip talking to himself in the dark. Now that the shuttle program is grounded, I’m sure he just sits around mission control all day, calculating how far a Pulsar could flip a school bus or something.

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I can assume his bosses in Houston won’t let him on the space station either. He’s a little too buggy-eyed to be trusted up there – I’m sure he’d try snorting Adderall off of the control panel and end up steering it towards the Sun. That’s probably why he’s on the Discovery channel instead of in orbit; it keeps him occupied when he’s not scraping the rust off of old shuttle parts.

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One thought on “Calm Down There, Astronaut

  1. unicornkat96

    You know you can get an ‘Guest Assistance Card’ at Disneyland to bypass all the long lines just claiming ADHD or Asperger’s syndrome. Ha Ha, it’s a secret though. My cuz and I like to go Disneyland Adventure and drink, because it’s Las Vegas style, you can walk around with your beer in your hand and we jump on rides to avoid the kids. ElecTRONica on the weekends was the best, but they shut that down.

    Reply

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