Black & White Issue


I’ve been frequenting a local open mic on Thursday nights for the raucous affair known as Open Mic Stand Up Comedy. It ain’t much so don’t go clearing your calendars. Just a bunch of girls talking about their vaginas, guys talking about their dicks, and black people talking about white people; the standard, predictable, underhandedly-pitched topics when you’re playing in the minor leagues of stand-up comedy I guess.

One observation I’ve made is that most black comics at some point start to riff on white people, but NEVER vice versa. The black comic gets on stage and within 30 seconds he’s told 7 jokes about “white people bein’ all like ________” while every white in the crowd claps & cackles like some glue-huffing cartoons.  All of them. Nervously laughing at jokes made at their own expense …to not laugh would be somehow racist perhaps?

Not quite. It’s far simpler than that folks… it’s because caucasians think every black person can kick the shit out of them.

It’s true. 100% of caucasians surveyed would say a black Steven Hawking could probably kick the shit out of a white Shaquille O’Neil, guaranteed. I think it’s a common misconception lumped in with the psychology of white guilt. This idea must’ve gained traction in the early days of 1950’s basketball, when white dudes ran back and forth falling all over the court like they were playing on ice.  When every shot was a desperate jump shot directly under the basket, hitting the rim and causing the ball to ricochet back at their stupid heads. Back then, white basketball players had slightly more athletic ability than the clarinet section of the marching band. 4 quarters of this nonsense.  Then along comes the black guy. An actual athlete who can miraculously run up the court without tripping over his clumsy white teammates OR his fucking shoelaces and still manage to lay up a nice fluid basket. Miracle!


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