Category Archives: Art

Art Criticism 101

The kids in Mrs. Wellington’s 1st grade class have had the opportunity to display their artwork for the community’s Art in the Park series this summer. We went down to check it out and offer up a review of what we saw from the latest class of budding artists.

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A grotesque attempt at landscape and perspective to put it lightly. Oddly enough the young artist featured here has grasped the lofty concept of refraction wavelengths as seen by his proper use of ROY-G-BIV, yet he can’t conceptualize a goddamned flock of birds… or should I say, flock of flying K’s. Don’t quit your day job kid.

easton-crying-2

children's coloring butterfly

Put this one on the fridge! And by fridge I mean the trash. This artist must’ve been in a full body cast when he pinched off this turd. A truly piss-poor choice of color. Terra Cotta Brown and Raspberry Violet on the same palette!? Why don’t we just finger-paint with vomit? I do appreciate the use of negative space, ie. not coloring in the rest, but the piece is just horrible and lacks any clear vision whatsoever.

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trash

Somebody tell Alek that fish need water to breathe. This bullshit may earn you points in Mrs. Wellington’s classroom but here on Earth we have a little thing called gravity. Next time, tell your mom to pack some coloring tutorials along with your Lunchables, because last time I checked boats don’t fucking fly. Your gratuitous use of yellow has created a depressing environment for the spring breakers on their floating bar… or maybe they’re refugees trying to escape this horrible drawing? Either way, lay off the LSD Alek.

crying-baseball-boy

 

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Captions

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared  And said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air"

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
and said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air!”

"Giddyup you fat fuck!"

“You are truly one cheeseburger of a horse Xavier! The hounds of Hell are on thy heels giddyup Fattie!”

"If thou insist upon humming Freebird, do it over there!"

“If thou insists upon singing that goddamned Maroon 5 song, do it over there!”

baby on the floor!

“Really Mary? You call that a manger?” 

AHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!

“When I was your age I had to ride a seashell to school, pulled by two demon dolphins, upstream both ways through a sea of centaurs and domestic violence!”

The Nativity

“Joseph, my animals must eat, but your woman and child hath been lounging around on the feed all day!”

"she had dumps like a truck truck truck, guys like what what what"

“Philipe, why don’t you come out from under there and go play with the other children?”

Look here pilgrims, this here is what we doctors refer to as arm strings

“Excuse me Josiah, do you mind sharing with the class what thou hast found so funny?”

How to: Polish A Turd With Photoshop

For this Photoshop tutorial you will become a Jedi master with Adobe photoshop’s expansive tool bar. Today I will be using everybody’s favorite living trainwreck, Latoya Jackson.

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First, I will use the Zoom tool to focus in on problematic areas.

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Next I will use ‘Free Transform’ to rotate the image and build a nice circular frame around the subject with the Elliptical tool.

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Next, we want to dim the brightness and add a nice deep orange photo filter.

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Now we will use our Burn tool to darken the image and create some interesting shadow effects around the edges.

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Using the photoshop’s expansive color palette, we introduce some dark hues to add texture.

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Lastly, we’ll use our Brush tool to add some finer details and voilà! You’ve done well young Jedi!

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Art Appreciation 101

Delphina’s Sick Again (1769AD)

This piece brilliantly captures the emotion and mindset of the late renaissance period. When people used to lie around all day, sullenly eating bruised fruit or staring off into space in total silence for hours at a time. During this era, nip-slips and side boobs did not quite make headlines as they do in modern times, however, it was not uncommon for a woman to give one of her misshapen breasts a good jiggle in order to coax a smile from the pessimistic company she kept; the result unfortunately was often just more sustained pouting.

To Catch A Predator (1811AD)

Here we see a classic arrangement of characters in various stages of dress; full military regalia… draped gypsy cloth… craggy peasant pubes. The ever-present storm looming off in the distance most likely indicates the artist could not afford the pricey Clear Blue Heaven™ pastel, opting for the more affordable Thunderboomer Grey™ or Doom & Gloom Yellow™.

It’s A Dry Heat (1243AD)

Whoa, big surprise, more people sulking. Here we see a patchwork of hard-to-please citizens from the Holy Roman Empire lazing around wondering when they can go watch a lion rip apart a few negros in the colosseum. Historical evidence suggests this type of racist Roman tailgate would have never occurred in the absence of alcohol, suggesting that the artist was most likely just too lazy to paint a chalice in everyone’s hand.

Lucky 13 (1483AD)

A beautifully elegant work from the late 15th century. In this piece, the artist chose to place his focus entirely on texture and balance. Here we see all the honeys getting wet, waiting for a chance to ride the long rigid vine. The repetitive, soft stroke of his tool creates fine detail in the warm supple moss, the silky-smooth pond water and the forest’s rich supply of honey-glazed ham wallets.

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Purple Pumpkin Eater (1967AD)

And now, fast forward a few hundred years to arrive at definitive proof that humans are moving backwards as a species. Modern Art; the Paula Poundstone of the art world. This perfectly good canvas was ruined by Burgoyne Diller, an American “abstract painter”. Abstract is a pleasant term given to those individuals dying to be called artists but could never draw or paint like one. Yet to every art lover’s astonishment, museums all across the globe continue to display this steaming pile of lazy on it’s walls year after year. Somewhere out there, right now, there is a stuffy art critic encouraging a group of students to look for deeper meaning in this piece.

Somewhere out there, right now, there is an off duty officer tempting children into his van with candy.