Category Archives: Girls

Generation Gap

Harriet Tubman rescued more than 300 slaves using a network of antislavery activists and safe houses known as the Underground Railroad.

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These two glued mustaches to their lip.

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Cleopatra was the last active pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. She was a member of the Ptolemaic dynasty that ruled Egypt after Alexander the Great’s death during the Hellenistic period.

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Krysten totally loves spending time with her dog and enjoys ‘living life to the fullest’.

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Hillary Clinton is a graduate of Yale Law School, is a former United States Secretary of State, U.S. Senator, and First Lady of the United States.

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Beth glued a mustache to a #2 pencil and enjoys laughing and the outdoors.

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Alexander the Great conquered most of the known world by the age of 30.

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Mike used the ‘Kelvin’ filter on Instagram to make himself appear more tan and he also likes sports.

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Leonardo Da Vinci was an Italian Renaissance painter, sculptor, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, cartographer, botanist, and writer. His genius, epitomized the Renaissance humanist ideal.

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Todd lives with his grandma and her 3 cats.

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And on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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and on…

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:/

The Devil is in the Details

So many gorgeous Asian girls here in San Francisco. Sexy delicate nymphs that define elegance; so modest and proper, bedroom eyes, impossibly healthy hair, porcelain skin, and teeth like that pit thing from Return of The Jedi.

I’m not trying to be shallow or culturally insensitive here. I mean crooked is one thing, but crooked AND the color of fall foliage is another. I couldn’t care less if you have a clubbed foot, scoliosis, or a mole with another mole on it…whatevs… But healthy teeth are a must. Having a hot girlfriend with teeth like Stonehenge is like driving a Ferrari with a permanent pelican shit stains across windshield. The wipers do nothing but smear it in a half circle so now you’re forced to drive your sexy miracle machine looking under a permanent arc of dried pelican turd. Sometimes the Devil is in the details.

Out With A Bang

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Girls, please. I see a growing number of you here in San Francisco cutting bangs into your hair. I’m not talking about the semi-attractive, youthful swoopie style bangs, but rather the angular, I did it myself with safety scissors, kindergarten snot-bubble bangs.

They are the female equivalent of a mustache. Sure, a few guys have them but none of them look like Tom Selleck. The same reasoning should apply to you. Unless you have a face like Charlize Theron please refrain from adding bangs to your repertoire.

And forget what your stylist said about “framing your face” she huffs hairspray and nail polish remover all day and lives in a trailer-home with no stove. It’s much easier for her to just cut straight across than it is to skillfully layer and style your hair.

Shoulda Put A NuvaRing On It

Beyonce’s popularity has certainly skyrocketed into the stratosphere over the past month. I can’t even walk one city block without hearing some product sponge talking about how awesome Beyonce is… I’ve always maintained she looked like a show horse with a wig on, but whatever.

So before she ends up doing a concert on the moon performing all 70 of her “women are better than men” songs for the entire Earth, I think it’s only fitting that I take this thoroughbred down a few notches, 5 to be precise:

Smelt It Delt It Beyonce

Heimlich Maneuver Beyonce

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Short Bus Beyonce

Backstage Beyonce

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Hernia Hair Whip Beyonce

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Go Go Gadget Goiter Beyonce

She’s so hot.

2012: A Year In Review

Well here we are at the end of another wonderful year. Yes, 2012 had it’s ups and downs, a lot of laughs and a lot of tears but overall very prosperous and rewarding. Here are some highlights from the past year:

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Kim

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Keri

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Megan

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Heather

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Sonia

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Trisha

Big Girls Don’t Cry

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Oh I’m fuming this morning. Some news channel in Stockton, CA ran a story today about a group of women being outraged after being called fat girls on a restaurant receipt. OH MY GOD! Wooot Wooot! SOUND THE ALARM! Some cheese hogs in California are offended because it was called to their attention they consume too many resources!? Sorry Omega Mu’s, you don’t have a right to make headlines just because your miffed that Jeff called attention to your poor life choices. Besides, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for your cause, when you are out scarfing down Coke and TriTip Steak with Fries!?

Now I’m no detective but I can surmise that this wasn’t the first soda these hefty heifers sucked down today. I’m sure they each sat on their gigantic helipad of an ass the entire afternoon, slurping corn syrup at their desks, chewing their cud, depleting the ozone with french fry flavored methane emissions, jiggling around with excitement about going to some nasty chain restaurant for “Girls night out!”  meaning: “We’re all single because we’ve neglected our bodies to the point we look like warm bags of greek yogurt, so rather than change our deep-fried lifestyle we’re just going to commiserate at Chili’s and talk about men and clothes and everything except exercise and proper diet!”

No Mama Cass, it’s not ok that you are overgrown. No Karen, it’s not some fucking glandular problem. You Campbell’s Thick and Chunky chicks need to join a gym and stop making excuses, or at least start jogging to Chili’s for those tri tips! Maybe what you need is a super-sized scoop of embarrassment so you start contributing more to society than driving up the cost of our healthcare. My suggestion is ditch the soda and fried food for some vegetables and go buy a damn jump-rope …until you do, you’re just gonna be fat girls.

Should’ve Been Born A Celebrity

Celebrities wake up in the morning to songbirds and sunshine, they rise from the pillow with really cool looking hair and breath reminiscent of mint and vanilla bean. Most of us spend the morning trying to transform ourselves from weather-beaten Yeti into something resembling a human being. The rich and famous have no concept of this daily struggle in front of the mirror. No ingrown hairs, callouses, acne, razor burn or bug bites. They never have to tease, comb and primp like the rest of us asymmetrical jackasses – their beauty is natural. Should’ve been born a celebrity.

Most of us spend the last hour of REM sleep dreaming about something far from reality, like: oh yes I’m really about to stick it into my sultry biology professor with the thick thighs right on her desk, she’s got one large bare breast popping out of her blazer and her skirt is hiked up revealing nothing but pink wet perfectly trimmed heaven – you clear her desk in one swoop of the arm and instantly wake to find your goldfish flapping around on the carpet and your alarm clock short circuiting in a pool of dirty water and broken glass. Your real life is no dream buddy. You’re never gonna bone the teacher and your late for work – should’ve been born a celebrity.

You probably drive a Ford Focus or Prius don’t you? Celebrities look down on thee for such lowly simpleton things. Driving a Prius to them would be like travelling on a 3-legged horse with diarrhea and a hornet’s nest on each stirrup. Driving a Ford would be like holding onto that same horse’s tail and just letting it drag you to your destination. Totally beneath them – you should’ve been born a celebrity.

And on and on it goes… the clothes, the parties, the money… the sad part is, you could find a cure for Cancer and AIDS in the same day and still not become a celebrity. No, you’d have to do something really special for the world like… be hot.