Category Archives: Health & Fitness

Calm Down There, Cycling Guy.

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Cycling enthusiasts are the Dane Cook of the sports world. You don’t see wrestlers walking around town with their mouth guard in and ear protectors on, so why do you see these turkeys geared up like this if it’s not race day? It’s like if every time Paul Simon went grocery shopping he picked up parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme just so he could drop a hint to the cashier about who he was.

Before you bike to the corner store to get that loaf of bread, don’t forget to completely shave your arms and legs, tape your scrotum to your leg, strap on your aerodynamic custom fit helmet, fingerless gloves, SPF 50 spandex racing shirt, vacuum-sealed shorts, aerodynamic sunglasses, clickity-clack cycling shoes, galaxy-sized ego, and Nike heart rate monitor armband …just calm down there, Lance.

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Paleo Diet 30-Day Challenge

The results are in folks, and I’m here to tell you the Paleo diet works! In just 30 days I was able to lose over 15 pounds, and I’ve now got so much fucking energy I could fight a bar full of Mexicans!  Not only is my cholesterol back to normal, but I look and feel great, and my strong sexy core could hold up a collapsing bleacher full of drunk soccer hooligans.

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The plan is simple: for 30 days, eat only the foods our Paleolithic ancestors would’ve eaten (rabbits, onions, an occasional pebble or insect etc.) and don’t bother paying cash for any of it because our ancestors probably didn’t do that either. Besides, being chased with groceries in hand is an excellent cardio workout and strengthens most major muscle groups.

Unlike most sad-sack diets, the Paleo diet isn’t concerned with counting calories, it’s all about where those calories come from. Stick with foods rich in protein that you’ll be able to kill in your neighborhood without causing too much of a scene.

Paleo-friendly foods include:

• boar
• radishes
• eggs 
• blood
• random plants

Foods to avoid:

• Kit Kat
• Coors light
• wheat
• ecstasy
• flour

Of course, the 30 day challenge did not come without it’s… challenges. For starters, wearing bison fur sucks no matter how high you are on peyote. I also caught a lot of flack from HR for coming to work barefoot, however with a doctor’s note their hands are tied.

But all of that aside, the single hardest part about the Paleo diet for me was dragging women back to my house against their will. Between our silly modern social constructs and meddlesome onlookers always trying to intervene, you can barely finish your daily paleo routine without Johnny Law knocking at the damn door!

I’m convinced it’s because these Homos have never seen effective Neanderthal dieting in action. They’re so accustomed to the Atkins and Jenny Craig bull roar that they recoil at the sight of old school methods getting true results. Unconventional? Maybe. But good God my biceps are gorgeous. They just glisten in the sun like two veinous Honey Baked Hams, and all I did was follow my ancestors’ example for a month!

For those of you land whales out there wading through a sea of trendy diets only to be left drowning in broken promises – take my 30-day Paleo Challenge and get results NOW! (or in roughly 30 days)

Take The Stairs, Fatty!

You should see some of the lumpy, sour cream and onion stuffed rhino ass out here today in Union Square… overgrown, lumbering tourists cramming their gaping gullets with Nestlé and Nabisco. A blatant disregard for one’s self. Climbing one staircase a month could prevent your ass from looking like a freezer bag filled with Greek yogurt.

In this world there are only two categories of glutes that will cause me to turn my head. One is athletic, toned and healthy looking – it signals reproductive health or at the very least indicates that she can reach to wipe herself clean and therefor would be a suitable mating partner. The other is an ass that looks like it’s storing walnuts and potatoes for the winter – it signals a lifetime of poor choices, chronic laziness, and a likely obsession with American Idol or some other basic cable trash. You only live once so make a healthy choice – and for crying out loud, take the stairs!

Why I Don’t Own Rollerblades

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I don’t own rollerblades. Firstly, because I’m not a homosexual. However, aside from not wanting penises in my butt, there is one main reason why I’ve not purchased a pair of rollerblades…

Let’s say the first day I strap on my shiny new skates and take to the streets. It would be just my luck that after a peaceful afternoon of picking the gravel out of my wounds, I’d round the corner to my block only to see my apartment engulfed in flames.

So there I am, standing unsteady in my stupid new rollerblades behind a ribbon of yellow police tape watching all of my possessions burn, and I’m stuck wearing these impractical boots with neon  wheels. I’m surely crying at this point because I’ve lost everything I own and now I must conduct my business with these ridiculous rollerblades on. Do I skate over to the Red Cross tent? Do I take them off and wander around this dirty city barefoot!? Anybody got a size 10 I can borrow!?

I would actually have to rollerblade downtown and shop for a new pair of shoes while wearing these goddamned rollerblades, I’d have no other choice; skating through the aisles at DSW with tears in my eyes, falling down every so often because it’s my first day skating with rollerblades, everybody whispering and pointing at me, mother’s pulling their curious children closer, telling them not to stare. Ugh. Plus it’d be likely that my wallet was also destroyed in the fire… so how long would this rollerblade fiasco continue!? How long would I have to grieve in rollerblades?

Or what if there was no fire, but instead an earthquake struck San Francisco whilst I was out skating around like a penis-loving fairy, and now people need my help but I’m stuck wearing these impractical rollerblades? “You sir, in the rollerblades, come help us pull this injured child from the rubble!” or everybody giving me evil looks thinking: “Why is that asshole skating around at a time like this!!??”

Psss. Rollerblades? No thanks.