Category Archives: History

When did people start smiling in photos?

Right around the turn of the century when people no longer had to wipe their asses with poison sumac or tree bark, when losing a tooth was a monthly occurrence and people were accustomed to being mauled or trampled by large mammals in their sleep. People had not yet learned how to smile for a photograph.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Yes, back in the day, life was hard. Everyone you knew smelled like an Applebees dumpster and potable drinking water hadn’t been invented yet; most people had to strain the horse shit out of their drinking water through their own sock… this was a common practice  until the invention of Wild Turkey Bourbon, then it became easier for people to drink something that tasted like horse shit without getting that pesky Cholera in the process. Drinking water was still problematic. It was hard to smile in the olden days, when your clothing felt like the rough side of a dish sponge, when your underwear was made of stapled burlap and your shoes were crafted from the ulcerous hide of some unlucky bison. In the summer your family would eat rotten fruit and meat that smelled like fish. Most grueling winters, your family ate each other.

Say cheeeese! Or don’t.

Back then, the only source of worldly pleasure was found in sexual intercourse, but even this had it’s downside. Candle lit evenings were not yet a symbol of romance but a necessity. Most men and women blew out the candles to avoid seeing the sick mule of a spouse they were about fornicating with. And there in the heavy humid summer air, among a swarm of biting insects the man would enter his partner, she would sigh quietly as not to attract bears but just enough for her partner to get a sterilizing whiff of her mouth that she had not cleaned since ever. Yet another reason to not smile. Then maybe around 1970, I’m not sure of the exact date but regardless, people decided to stop pooping in their own water supply and started thinking of ways to change the color of their teeth from amber to white. A new reason to smile! Humans everywhere started to find ways to prevent wolves from dismembering their children. They began wearing clothes that didn’t cause permanent scarring and shoes that felt better than walking on gravel. Food was no longer the leading cause of death, and sexual intercourse no longer smelled like a hot afternoon in Chinatown! Finally a reason to smile!

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Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

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I’ve always been curious about the saying: “the best thing since sliced bread” How much trouble did unsliced bread really give people back in the day?

[Husband enters stage left:]

“Honey, why are you crying, why are your hands bleeding!?”

“John, I just cannot do this anymore, this bread will not separate by hitting it with my hands – we have to find a solution to this unsliced bread problem or I want a divorce!”

“Marsha you don’t mean that! Have you tried banging it on the counter until it separates into manageable slices?”

“Yes dammit! I even tried chopping down the oak tree in the backyard to let it fall on the loaf in hopes it would separate it into convenient sandwich sized slices!”

“Ok Marsha, I’m calling the fire department, maybe they have a tool that’ll break the loaf apart into sandwich-sized increments.

“They were just here John! They ran the well dry spraying water at it and still couldn’t do anything!”

[Enter neighbor stage right]

“Hey guys is everything alright, I heard a bunch of commotion and screaming?”

“No Percy, we can’t get this cursed bread loaf to slice into sandwich-sized sections! We haven’t eaten in days!”

“Have you tried attaching the four corners of the loaf to some horses and then have them each run in opposite directions?”

“We only have one horse Percy! He just runs around in circles dragging the bread through the dirt anyhow!”

“Ok, hang tight. I may have some extra civil war muskets in the shed – my son’s a pretty good shot, if we nail it to a tree we may have a chance to get some decent slices off the loaf”

“Farmer Kenneth already tried that yesterday Percy!”

“Well let’s try slamming it with the oven door…”

“Don’t you think we’ve already tried that Percy!?”

“Jesus Christ I’m only trying to help Marsha!”

“Don’t you raise your voice at her Percy – get the hell out!”

“Fine! Never again will I step foot in your goddamned bread-related affairs!”

[Exit neighbor stage left] 

“Ok, let’s try tipping the bookshelf over on it – if we arrange the shelves an inch apart and I sand the edges of the bookshelf until they are sharp, it should chop the bread evenly – it’s our only hope!”

“Oh John, I’m too weak to carry on, you’d best start sanding the shelves on your own, nightfall is fast approaching… please hurry!”

Edgar Allan Poe, The Lost Journal Entries.

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Edgar Allan Poe (1809 – 1849) was an American author and poet, best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre. Several of his personal journals were discovered during clean-up efforts after Hurricane Sandy. I am proud to announce that I have been granted special access and would now like to share these rare gems with my readership, Enjoy!

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There Were No Fat Cavemen.

Many moons ago, human beings did not live by the comforts of technology. Fire and its procurement were essential to survival and every man had to hunt and gather his/her own food. This was a time when man did not sit for long periods  watching people from New Jersey gel their hair and fight each other, nor spend their evenings surfing internet chat rooms, seated for hours in a sweaty leather chair without pants on. No, life in this time was one of mere survival. Let’s take a look at what a typical day was like for prehistoric man…

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