Category Archives: How-to

Primates: An Owner’s Manual

 

Considering a pet? Consider a monkey. Owning a monkey can be very rewarding and will save you tons of time and energy with the proper training. Here is a quick overview of some basic monkey care & maintenance:

  • First, your monkey will have to be fed a strict vegetarian diet to simplify the management of it’s fecal output. Potty training is necessary, as keeping a diaper on a monkey is like boiling pasta with the lid on. Monkeys tend to be more comfortable than humans when handling feces, therefore owners must be diligent about performing daily spot checks under couch cushions and behind appliances.
  • Care for your monkey without making it feel loved or needed. A primate is not like a dog that will innocently hump your leg when it’s horny. A monkey will violently take that ass if it so desires.
  • Keep the monkey’s fingernails neatly trimmed. Risk of infection increases tenfold if the monkey chooses to scratch you with the same hand it juggles poop with. Also, be sure to comb the debris out of its hair… maybe rub its shoulders if it had a long day cleaning your apartment.
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Trust must be earned. Until then, install a webcam to monitor the monkey’s behavior while you are away.

  • Assign the monkey a series of simple tasks such as replacing toilet paper rolls or setting the dinner table. Next, work your way up to having it draw you a bath or stealing your neighbor’s fed-ex packages.
  • In captivity, a monkey’s sex drive can be explosive and unpredictable – I suggest providing a pillow with a hole cut into it or a carnival-sized stuffed animal for the monkey to twerk on.
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    Some species are not advised for those with children, elderly in-laws or small pets.

  • You will need to choose a monkey large enough to intimidate an adversary, yet not so strong that you couldn’t overpower it. If it happens to get drunk or out of line you must be willing to punch it in the neck and establish dominance early on, otherwise if your monkey senses fear it will not hesitate to rape you or a loved one for sport. Reprimand your monkey without fear of retaliation. Virtually all bronze package gym memberships provide owners with enough cardio and strength training to overpower a sober 40lb. monkey.

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Over time, a strong platonic bond should form between you and your monkey. This will allow you the freedom to ask it for increasingly laborious favors without it catching on to your scheme or rebelling too violently. This will take some time though, you can not rush things such as attrition.

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How To: Win a Fight in a Coffee Shop

If you’ve spent anytime in coffee shops here in San Francisco, you no doubt have been asked by a total stranger if you would “watch their stuff for a second”. It’s a fairly common occurrence and unless you’re a total shit-wipe the answer is always yes. Yes ma’am, I will watch your coffee, your bagel, and your $2100.00 Macbook Pro with the 15-inch, scrotum-tickling, crystal-clear retina display – no problem. 

But have you ever really thought about what saying yes involves? Have you ever pondered the reality of some 350lb. whiskey-soaked meat head lunging towards a total stranger’s stunningly beautiful 15-inch Macbook Pro with the hair-raising, nipple hardening, 5 million pixel retina display?

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Going Postal On Junk Mail

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Some rainforest in Brazil is crying so Citibank can send me credit card offers every week. If you’re anything like me and feel your colon winding itself into knots every time you open the mailbox to find this crap – don’t get mad, get even!

FACT: These prepaid postage envelopes cost Citibank roughly twenty cents for every ounce.

Fight junk mail and stuff these envelopes with a thin sheet of metal, wood, cardboard, melted candle wax or random weighty object you have no use for, and send it back to them – they have to pay for the postage! (NOTE: stiff or inflexible items are considered “Non-Standard” mail by the USPS and thus cost the credit card companies more loot)

package2 Hell, if you’re really feeling frisky, cut the envelope and  tape it neatly to a box (as pictured) and mail that dusty volume of encyclopedias you haven’t cracked open since you got the internet.

The post office keeps cutting staff because of declining business? Well, mailing back a company their own junk gives the post office a hefty source of added revenue from credit card companies and may just solve an annoying environmentally wasteful practice if enough of us participate.

Top 5 Reasons Why People Don’t Travel

A few years ago I came down with a serious case of the fuckits and decided that my lifestyle needed a total overhaul. My 9 to 5 cubical gig was curb-stomping my soul, my social life consisted of hip-hop open mics, fat chicks and jäger bombs, and I just wasn’t happy with my life… I’m still a bitter bastard but never mind that, this blog is about travel, not about smiling like a vacant idiot all the time.

Anyways, I had managed to save up about $6,000, bought the cheapest one-way ticket I could find, and took off to Europe with nothing more than a backpack, a camera, and some curiosity. The plan was to stay abroad as long as I could (until the funds dried up) and then I’d return home.

Two years and 25 countries later, I had seen and accomplished more than most would in their entire lifetime. I rode motorcycles through the streets of Rome, swam in the dead sea, climbed the Pyramids, had Ramadan dinner with Jordanian border guards, harvested grapes in Italy and potatoes in Australia. Conversely, I was robbed in Egypt, robbed in Portugal, robbed in Buenos Aires, assaulted in both France and Australia and I fell in love with a girl who now dances on my scrotum in stilettos (metaphorically) – but traveling is like that, it’s as much ‘sunshine and smiles’ as it is ‘sunburns and scabies’. Needless to say it changed my life in so many ways, and I’m dumfounded why more people don’t explore this fantastic planet. So what’s your excuse?

1. Not enough time

Of course you don’t have time! You’ve got two ugly children that are in dire need of braces, your house is losing the battle against mildew and termites, and your boss needs you to hand over everything but your testicles in order to boost third quarter earnings. Travel can still be a reality for those with big responsibilities but the reality is: long-term travel and children don’t mix… so um yea… you shouldn’t have had those, just wait 18 years.

If you don’t have children or a mortgage, then you have nothing BUT time on your hands and the movers and shakers of the world request that you shut-up and stop making excuses.

2. Not enough money

Well if you’d quit going to Bed Bath And Beyond every damn weekend Susan! You’re paying how much for the ESPN double woot woot premium package, Brandon!? I guarantee the expenditures to maintain your current American lifestyle are all types of fucked up.

What if I told you that if you saved $1000, I would match your $1000, but only if you spent the total $2000 on travel? Sounds like a great offer right? What most knuckle-draggers fail to realize is that when you are traveling, your need for money greatly decreases. Your $1000 American dollars in India or on an Egyptian beach resort will go MUCH farther than $1000 here in the states. While staying in Ko Chang  my nightly feasts would make your instagram short-circuit from jealousy – and for only 3 bucks! Here in San Francisco I can’t get a damn sandwich for under $13.

Reality check: You DO have money, it just so happens it’s all tied up in the things you own and maintain. Cut the cable bill and your Coke® habit for just one year and you’ll be surprised at how much you’ll save!

3. Traveling is dangerous

Yes, if you plan on wearing your ‘These Colors Don’t Run” t-shirt and cowboy hat while trekking around Yemen. Most destinations are far less dangerous in terms of violent crime than here in the states. Your biggest dangers abroad are food-borne illness and pickpockets; a little smarts can prevent both. War zones are fairly easy to avoid unless Helen Keller booked your itinerary.

4. Nobody to travel with

Understandable if you are a chick that can’t pee without another girl in the stall. Otherwise, solo travel is the most enriching activity there is (besides peeing with friends). You can go where you want, when you want, and are more likely to interact and connect with local people and fellow travelers without your friend whining about the heat.

Keep in mind that as you travel you will be meeting other travelers along the way (most of which are far more interesting than anyone you know back home), and the potential for merging itineraries and sharing adventures (or just getting drunk with them) is greatly increased… so in reality you are never really traveling solo.

5. I want to travel but I don’t know where to start. Where will I stay?

Check out these sites below, take that leap of faith and set sail – the worst that could happen is you’ll end up dying a slow, painful death – which is a guarantee if you continue dreaming about adventure from your cubicle.

• Hostel World – Online confirmed bookings for backpacker hostels around the world. Hostel reviews, City guides, sightseeing, entertainment and backpacking information.

• Hostelz – A complete guide to hostels worldwide, with real reviews and instant online booking.

• AirBNB – Amazing, unique accommodations in 192 countries.

• Couch Surfing – Hospitality exchange and social networking services.

How to: Polish A Turd With Photoshop

For this Photoshop tutorial you will become a Jedi master with Adobe photoshop’s expansive tool bar. Today I will be using everybody’s favorite living trainwreck, Latoya Jackson.

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First, I will use the Zoom tool to focus in on problematic areas.

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Next I will use ‘Free Transform’ to rotate the image and build a nice circular frame around the subject with the Elliptical tool.

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Next, we want to dim the brightness and add a nice deep orange photo filter.

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Now we will use our Burn tool to darken the image and create some interesting shadow effects around the edges.

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Using the photoshop’s expansive color palette, we introduce some dark hues to add texture.

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Lastly, we’ll use our Brush tool to add some finer details and voilà! You’ve done well young Jedi!

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