Category Archives: Nature & Science

Calm Down There, Astronaut

I’m trying to watch this otherwise wonderful documentary on the cosmos but every time they cut to this one Astronomer Philip, he starts giving his Hollywood scripted doomsday scenarios about an asteroid hitting Earth, or the Sun exploding like a Supernova… Christ Almighty Philip! Can I just learn about space without all the Hollywood shtick?

And of course they’ve got CGI special effects to illustrate his wild scenarios in full detail – because learning about the Universe isn’t fascinating enough without footage of NYC getting blown the fuck up by an angry Quasar. In fact, if they took out all the scenes of recognizable landmarks being vaporized, the documentary would be nothing but intro credits and one hour of Astro-Philip talking to himself in the dark. Now that the shuttle program is grounded, I’m sure he just sits around mission control all day, calculating how far a Pulsar could flip a school bus or something.


I can assume his bosses in Houston won’t let him on the space station either. He’s a little too buggy-eyed to be trusted up there – I’m sure he’d try snorting Adderall off of the control panel and end up steering it towards the Sun. That’s probably why he’s on the Discovery channel instead of in orbit; it keeps him occupied when he’s not scraping the rust off of old shuttle parts.


Primates: An Owner’s Manual


Considering a pet? Consider a monkey. Owning a monkey can be very rewarding and will save you tons of time and energy with the proper training. Here is a quick overview of some basic monkey care & maintenance:

  • First, your monkey will have to be fed a strict vegetarian diet to simplify the management of it’s fecal output. Potty training is necessary, as keeping a diaper on a monkey is like boiling pasta with the lid on. Monkeys tend to be more comfortable than humans when handling feces, therefore owners must be diligent about performing daily spot checks under couch cushions and behind appliances.
  • Care for your monkey without making it feel loved or needed. A primate is not like a dog that will innocently hump your leg when it’s horny. A monkey will violently take that ass if it so desires.
  • Keep the monkey’s fingernails neatly trimmed. Risk of infection increases tenfold if the monkey chooses to scratch you with the same hand it juggles poop with. Also, be sure to comb the debris out of its hair… maybe rub its shoulders if it had a long day cleaning your apartment.

Trust must be earned. Until then, install a webcam to monitor the monkey’s behavior while you are away.

  • Assign the monkey a series of simple tasks such as replacing toilet paper rolls or setting the dinner table. Next, work your way up to having it draw you a bath or stealing your neighbor’s fed-ex packages.
  • In captivity, a monkey’s sex drive can be explosive and unpredictable – I suggest providing a pillow with a hole cut into it or a carnival-sized stuffed animal for the monkey to twerk on.
  • monkey attack

    Some species are not advised for those with children, elderly in-laws or small pets.

  • You will need to choose a monkey large enough to intimidate an adversary, yet not so strong that you couldn’t overpower it. If it happens to get drunk or out of line you must be willing to punch it in the neck and establish dominance early on, otherwise if your monkey senses fear it will not hesitate to rape you or a loved one for sport. Reprimand your monkey without fear of retaliation. Virtually all bronze package gym memberships provide owners with enough cardio and strength training to overpower a sober 40lb. monkey.


Over time, a strong platonic bond should form between you and your monkey. This will allow you the freedom to ask it for increasingly laborious favors without it catching on to your scheme or rebelling too violently. This will take some time though, you can not rush things such as attrition.

There’s Nothing Sexy About A Zebra

The Zebra. Nature’s cold shower. Consider that a tiger-striped thong is fundamentally sexier than a zebra-striped thong, yet it’s basically the same pattern… not necessarily because the color orange is sexier than the color white, but because I assume tigers don’t shit on their own tails like stupid zebras.

Tigers also have a lethal set of razor sharp teeth that allow it to hunt and kill. Cool! Zebras have teeth for biting at the flies hitching a ride on their ass. Not cool.

Retractable tiger claws are badass! That’s why the Wolverine comic character is so successful. I doubt if he had retractable zebra hooves he’d be fighting much crime or drawing crowds to the cinema. He’d just be out galloping around like an idiot blocking traffic and tearing up the neighbor’s flowerbed. Nothing is less sexy than a hoof. It’s just a toenail growing out of it’s leg. 




The mosquito. Pointless and infuriating in every way possible; the Sarah Palin of the animal kingdom. Take any cast member from the Jersey Shore, give them the gift of flight, two antennae and slightly less disease transmitting capability and presto! You’ve got a mosquito…. a staple-sized vector of disease and suffering, whose mouth parts make us itch and burn the next day just like rest stop hookers.

I hate the way they’re all stupid and silent. Softly landing on my skin, I can’t even feel their ugly feet standing on me they are so insignificant. That little super high-pitched whine when they coast past your ear and you end up hitting your own face to try and kill them because you hate them so much. Besides looking like Snooki, or watching a Carlos Mencia marathon, what on Earth would cause a person to punch their own face!?

We’ve come a long way as a species: We’ve eradicated smallpox. We’ve ended slavery and elected a somewhat black looking individual for President. We even allow women to have their own opinion… now our attention should shift towards ending the mosquito. I have faith we can do this. I have an itch that says we should do this.