Category Archives: Trends

These Prices Are Nuts!

Why would anyone risk smuggling cocaine inside their asshole when Whole Foods is moving pine nuts for $30 per pound! I don’t know what platinum-plated pine cone species they’re harvesting these seeds from, but it’s driving up the cost of my spinach and toasted pine nut salad through the fucking roof!

I tried substituting the pine nuts with peanuts yesterday but that just made my salad totally unenjoyable because who knew it’s IMPOSSIBLE EAT PEANUTS WITH A EFFING FORK! It’s not like semi-soft pine nuts that conveniently slide between the fork tines. Peanuts either roll off the side of the fork like a fat kid on a see-saw or split in half without any regard for your spinach-to-nut ratio!

I’m sure the Whole Foods cartel is just running a racket on the general public right now; assassinating pine cone farmers in Guatemala, clear cutting pine trees, lowering the supply to drive up prices in the States – It’s basic nut economics folks. But I know that no seed on the planet is worth an asking price of $30 per pound unless it sprouts into the clouds where giants shuffle around scratching their asses. Whole Foods is nuts if they think I’m supporting their dirty practices.

Generation Gap

Harriet Tubman rescued more than 300 slaves using a network of antislavery activists and safe houses known as the Underground Railroad.

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These two glued mustaches to their lip.

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Cleopatra was the last active pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. She was a member of the Ptolemaic dynasty that ruled Egypt after Alexander the Great’s death during the Hellenistic period.

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Krysten totally loves spending time with her dog and enjoys ‘living life to the fullest’.

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Hillary Clinton is a graduate of Yale Law School, is a former United States Secretary of State, U.S. Senator, and First Lady of the United States.

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Beth glued a mustache to a #2 pencil and enjoys laughing and the outdoors.

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Alexander the Great conquered most of the known world by the age of 30.

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Mike used the ‘Kelvin’ filter on Instagram to make himself appear more tan and he also likes sports.

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Leonardo Da Vinci was an Italian Renaissance painter, sculptor, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, cartographer, botanist, and writer. His genius, epitomized the Renaissance humanist ideal.

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Todd lives with his grandma and her 3 cats.

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And on…

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:/

Take The Stairs, Fatty!

You should see some of the lumpy, sour cream and onion stuffed rhino ass out here today in Union Square… overgrown, lumbering tourists cramming their gaping gullets with Nestlé and Nabisco. A blatant disregard for one’s self. Climbing one staircase a month could prevent your ass from looking like a freezer bag filled with Greek yogurt.

In this world there are only two categories of glutes that will cause me to turn my head. One is athletic, toned and healthy looking – it signals reproductive health or at the very least indicates that she can reach to wipe herself clean and therefor would be a suitable mating partner. The other is an ass that looks like it’s storing walnuts and potatoes for the winter – it signals a lifetime of poor choices, chronic laziness, and a likely obsession with American Idol or some other basic cable trash. You only live once so make a healthy choice – and for crying out loud, take the stairs!

Fucking Foodies

Living in San Francisco you are constantly surrounded by talk of food trends and the latest restaurants; people drooling like idiots over the last place they ate, what their favorite dishes are… blah blah blah… go juggle pumpkins!

These holier-than-thou culinary crusaders refer to themselves as “foodies” which according to Webster’s thesaurus is a synonym for pretentious blow hard. Hearing these hob-nobs talk at length about food is like watching the WNBA preseason, I’d rather be slapped in the face with a dead fish. It leads me to believe the most exciting thing these “foodies” have done with their lives is pull lint from the dryer screen. The only time I talk in detail about food is when that one rogue nacho stabs the roof of my mouth and my girlfriend comes in asking me why I just yelled “motherfucker” out loud. I digress.

“Oh, the white bean skin sformato and chopped chive gluten-free asiago focaccia rolls are to die for! We should go fuck ourselves for dessert!”

What I really want to address is portion sizes in these trendsetting dinner douche-barns. Just the other day a couple of friends and I checked out a new spot we heard was “amazing!”. To spare you the salty details we each dropped $100 on some sautéed shrimp antennae bullshit and left ready to eat a second dinner. Now I’m no expert, but all I know is I felt like I just had one of those street magicians take my watch without me noticing: I sit down, the bill arrives and I’m still hungry – “amazing!”

“You should try this place called Copperfield’s on 24th street – they punch you in the neck, tear one sleeve off of your shirt and make your money disappear, it’s amazing!

In summary, there is no summary. Just keep your bacon wrapped steamed raisin husks and your dill stuffed corn kernel creations outta my grill – this man’s gotta eat!

The Greatest Story Ever Told

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This guy Brian at work must have the most interesting stories any human being has ever told. The brilliant plot structure and character development are of pure genius. His wonderful narratives rival those of The Epic of Gilgamesh!

Move over Gilgamesh, Brian’s in town and he had like fuckin’ 6 shots of tequila and like fuckin’ 35 beers last night. And according to him: there were like these chicks at this table and he was all like fuckin’ buying them shots and he like got up to take a piss and fuckin’ came back and they all left and then he saw them drinking at this other bar across the street like an hour later!

Absolutely riveting Brian. Thank you.

Sippin’ Amaretto

 

Dear Hardcore Gangsta Rapper,

I realize that the word Amaretto rhymes with many other words in your highly developed, mind-expanding raps. However, what you may have failed to realize is that Amaretto is usually a spirit consumed by those aging individuals who poop their pants and wear Life Alert® bracelets in case they fall.

Gucci Mane

Of course I understand that after a long day of holding your pants up and limping around like you have a leg that doesn’t bend at the knee, you just want to sip a mild, refreshing beverage distilled from apricot pits because strawberry daiquiris hurt your hardcore tummy. I totally understand after a busy week of swearing in front of children, that you just want to take the edge off with a beverage Italian nannies use to cook with. But consider what this may doing to your hardcore image.

In conclusion, please don’t kill the messenger or smash a bottle of expensive bubbly across my face next time you see me in VIP. I’m only telling you this because I think it will help your tough-guy image if you start rhyming about single malt Scotch or Bourbon while you serenade society’s downfall.

Cheers!