These Prices Are Nuts!

Why would anyone risk smuggling cocaine inside their asshole when Whole Foods is moving pine nuts for $30 per pound! I don’t know what platinum-plated pine cone species they’re harvesting these seeds from, but it’s driving up the cost of my spinach and toasted pine nut salad through the fucking roof!

I tried substituting the pine nuts with peanuts yesterday but that just made my salad totally unenjoyable because who knew it’s IMPOSSIBLE EAT PEANUTS WITH A EFFING FORK! It’s not like semi-soft pine nuts that conveniently slide between the fork tines. Peanuts either roll off the side of the fork like a fat kid on a see-saw or split in half without any regard for your spinach-to-nut ratio!

I’m sure the Whole Foods cartel is just running a racket on the general public right now; assassinating pine cone farmers in Guatemala, clear cutting pine trees, lowering the supply to drive up prices in the States – It’s basic nut economics folks. But I know that no seed on the planet is worth an asking price of $30 per pound unless it sprouts into the clouds where giants shuffle around scratching their asses. Whole Foods is nuts if they think I’m supporting their dirty practices.


Wilford Brimley: Talking Points

Good morning Assholes, my name is Wilford Brimley and I’d like to take a minute to talk to those of you out there fiddle-diddling around, wasting your life on these weblogs. I know this is gonna require some reading on your part which is damn near impossible for a shit stain such as yourself but hear me out… I want to discuss some things that’ll help you live a better life. As you know, you logger-headed kids are the reason this country is going to hell in a handbasket and we adults aren’t gonna stand for it any longer! There’s gonna be some changes around here!

First order of business, I want you kids to clean up that crack den you call a bedroom! Throw out all your dildos, pocket pussies and penis pumps and pick up a good book! Educate yourselves! Albert Einstein didn’t sit around lubing up his genitals all goddamn day, and if he did, it was probably to reward himself for discovering the foundations of our physical reality dammit! I don’t see you poo-packers out there testing quantum theory! You just spend your days listening to music that ties my colon in knots! Let’s cut a deal, you find out how to harness the power of nuclear fusion, then you can stick those beads up your ass til the cows come home! Deal?

Next, I want you kids to pull out all those ridiculous facial piercings and earlobe stretcher things! If the good Lord intended you to look like a circus sideshow you woulda been born with a wine cork stuck through your goddamn earlobes! Besides, nobody’s gonna hire some surly clack-dish with metal sticking out of his face, unless you wanna be hosing down elephant shit from a train car for the rest of your life! Damn carnies. Our American brothers and sisters died to protect your freedoms and here you are sticking horseshoe rasps through your goddamn septum!

Lastly, start a savings account. Put a few dollars away everyday instead of spending your every last dime on candy and soda and lube. What happens when it comes time for you to move out of mommy and daddy’s house into the real world? You’ll end up having to spend your evenings down at the State Welcome Center, fondling the humid testicles of some trucker for pennies on the dollar! Who knows, maybe he’ll grow fond of your facial piercings and then you two assholes can go live happily ever after with an extended stay program at Motel 6! Do what you want! You seem to have all the goddamn answers! 

Target Consumer

Target is my favorite place to go when I want to observe horrible parents and their fat offspring. Stores like Target are just  feed-lots with tile floors. Suit & tie types usually shop within a 15 minute window and they’re out. The lower rungs of society graze the isles all afternoon like they just woke up from surgery.

Whatever. After dodging a small platoon of sugar-high mexican toddlers, I made my way to the toothpaste isle where I noticed they’re now selling Mint Chocolate flavored toothpaste because… fuck your teeth, that’s why!


upperdecker.netCrest is marketing this trash with a massive “Be Adventurous” slogan on the box, right about where legit toothpastes put their ADA approved logo stating it will actually clean your teeth better than a broom handle. Didn’t we gain our independence from Britain so subsequent generations wouldn’t have rotten teeth?





Crouching Tranny, Hidden Butter

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I woke up at 2 am to the repetitive chant of some hoarse tranny hooker encouraging her pimp to “Get him Daddy! Get him Daddy!” 

Over and over and over until I finally got up. STFU Tranny! Thrashing out of my sheets, I jumped out of bed to see what the fuss was about and lo and behold, it was some pimp swinging a pipe toward some other pimp. Standard Saturday night recreation. In these instances I usually keep a half stick of unsalted Land-o-Lakes butter on hand to throw down on the street creatures that keep me up, but alas, I used the last of it on some lemon pepper salmon for dinner – it was delicious.

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Butter is my preferred weapon when dealing with loud hookers and street noise. The last time I tried to use a water balloon the fucking thing exploded against the window frame and completely soaked me – standing there shirtless in wet boxers – not my proudest moment. So from now on it’s strictly butter. Even if frozen, it won’t crack any skulls like sweet potatoes, and if I can get it to smack down within a few feet of them they usually scatter like roaches.

Art Criticism 101

The kids in Mrs. Wellington’s 1st grade class have had the opportunity to display their artwork for the community’s Art in the Park series this summer. We went down to check it out and offer up a review of what we saw from the latest class of budding artists.

A grotesque attempt at landscape and perspective to put it lightly. Oddly enough the young artist featured here has grasped the lofty concept of refraction wavelengths as seen by his proper use of ROY-G-BIV, yet he can’t conceptualize a goddamned flock of birds… or should I say, flock of flying K’s. Don’t quit your day job kid.


children's coloring butterfly

Put this one on the fridge! And by fridge I mean the trash. This artist must’ve been in a full body cast when he pinched off this turd. A truly piss-poor choice of color. Terra Cotta Brown and Raspberry Violet on the same palette!? Why don’t we just finger-paint with vomit? I do appreciate the use of negative space, ie. not coloring in the rest, but the piece is just horrible and lacks any clear vision whatsoever.



Somebody tell Alek that fish need water to breathe. This bullshit may earn you points in Mrs. Wellington’s classroom but here on Earth we have a little thing called gravity. Next time, tell your mom to pack some coloring tutorials along with your Lunchables, because last time I checked boats don’t fucking fly. Your gratuitous use of yellow has created a depressing environment for the spring breakers on their floating bar… or maybe they’re refugees trying to escape this horrible drawing? Either way, lay off the LSD Alek.