Tag Archives: critique

Art Criticism 101

The kids in Mrs. Wellington’s 1st grade class have had the opportunity to display their artwork for the community’s Art in the Park series this summer. We went down to check it out and offer up a review of what we saw from the latest class of budding artists.

upperdeck.net

A grotesque attempt at landscape and perspective to put it lightly. Oddly enough the young artist featured here has grasped the lofty concept of refraction wavelengths as seen by his proper use of ROY-G-BIV, yet he can’t conceptualize a goddamned flock of birds… or should I say, flock of flying K’s. Don’t quit your day job kid.

easton-crying-2

children's coloring butterfly

Put this one on the fridge! And by fridge I mean the trash. This artist must’ve been in a full body cast when he pinched off this turd. A truly piss-poor choice of color. Terra Cotta Brown and Raspberry Violet on the same palette!? Why don’t we just finger-paint with vomit? I do appreciate the use of negative space, ie. not coloring in the rest, but the piece is just horrible and lacks any clear vision whatsoever.

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trash

Somebody tell Alek that fish need water to breathe. This bullshit may earn you points in Mrs. Wellington’s classroom but here on Earth we have a little thing called gravity. Next time, tell your mom to pack some coloring tutorials along with your Lunchables, because last time I checked boats don’t fucking fly. Your gratuitous use of yellow has created a depressing environment for the spring breakers on their floating bar… or maybe they’re refugees trying to escape this horrible drawing? Either way, lay off the LSD Alek.

crying-baseball-boy

 

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Kanye West Turns South

Today Kanye West released his latest attempt at music with an album entitled Yeezus. :/

In other related news, I was about three seconds away from instagramming a titanic-sized turd I had taken earlier today but I opted not to because, you see… just because some things are created doesn’t mean they should be shared with others, no matter how big a pile of shit it is. And thus begins my album review of Kanye West’s Yeezus.

First off let’s explain the title for those readers older than 45. Kanye named it Yeezus because Yeezus rhymes with Jesus (whom he often compares himself to, though I highly doubt Kim Kardashian would ever marry a carpenter) Then take the last two letters of his first name (YE) and add a Z in there to make it all hip-hoppy because for some reason rappers don’t like the letter S. And voila, a ridiculous title sure to attract kids that have to keep one hand on their pants to keep them from falling.

The opening track On Site was produced by Daft Punk and rightly sounds like it was produced by throwing baked potatoes at the drums and keyboard for 2 minutes. Not the strongest start for an album but my curiosity was piqued.

Next, I thought the track Black Skinhead would surely tear the roof off by the sound of the title, however the opening lyrics left me bewildered and reaching for a wall: “For my theme song, got my leather black jeans on” ...I’m starting to regret wasting the 3 minutes it took to illegally download the album.

The following track, I Am A God is sure to raise a few eyebrows but mine were already raised by the “black leather jeans” lyric from the last song… can jeans even be leather? I thought denim was a requirement for pants to be considered jeans? West’s lyrics are so provocative and deep on so many levels, they really make you think… and for that I will pardon him if he wishes to wear leather from the waist down.

Another attempt to shock the listener, New Slaves leaves me thinking he must have left the studio unlocked for some stray animals to wander in and walk all over the gear, accidently recording this 5 minute mess. But the liner notes say nothing about strays. Hmm?

Next, Hold My Liquor leaves much to be desired in the hip-hop lyric and beats department, so far I’ve managed to make better beats vacuuming up pet hair and Cheerios.

There are five other “songs” on the album and they’re pretty much par for the course. If you ever decide to throw pots and pans into a wood chipper in an attempt to create music, don’t be surprised if you get sued for copyright infringement by Kanye West’s label.

Yeezus ★☆☆☆☆ (couldn’t figure out the keyboard shortcut for a half star, so he gets one whole one.)