Tag Archives: educational

When did people start smiling in photos?

Right around the turn of the century when people no longer had to wipe their asses with poison sumac or tree bark, when losing a tooth was a monthly occurrence and people were accustomed to being mauled or trampled by large mammals in their sleep. People had not yet learned how to smile for a photograph.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Yes, back in the day, life was hard. Everyone you knew smelled like an Applebees dumpster and potable drinking water hadn’t been invented yet; most people had to strain the horse shit out of their drinking water through their own sock… this was a common practice  until the invention of Wild Turkey Bourbon, then it became easier for people to drink something that tasted like horse shit without getting that pesky Cholera in the process. Drinking water was still problematic. It was hard to smile in the olden days, when your clothing felt like the rough side of a dish sponge, when your underwear was made of stapled burlap and your shoes were crafted from the ulcerous hide of some unlucky bison. In the summer your family would eat rotten fruit and meat that smelled like fish. Most grueling winters, your family ate each other.

Say cheeeese! Or don’t.

Back then, the only source of worldly pleasure was found in sexual intercourse, but even this had it’s downside. Candle lit evenings were not yet a symbol of romance but a necessity. Most men and women blew out the candles to avoid seeing the sick mule of a spouse they were about fornicating with. And there in the heavy humid summer air, among a swarm of biting insects the man would enter his partner, she would sigh quietly as not to attract bears but just enough for her partner to get a sterilizing whiff of her mouth that she had not cleaned since ever. Yet another reason to not smile. Then maybe around 1970, I’m not sure of the exact date but regardless, people decided to stop pooping in their own water supply and started thinking of ways to change the color of their teeth from amber to white. A new reason to smile! Humans everywhere started to find ways to prevent wolves from dismembering their children. They began wearing clothes that didn’t cause permanent scarring and shoes that felt better than walking on gravel. Food was no longer the leading cause of death, and sexual intercourse no longer smelled like a hot afternoon in Chinatown! Finally a reason to smile!

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Gucci Mane Explains Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

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Gucci, what can you tell us about Einstein’s theory of relativity?

What? Theory who?

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, can you explain what that is?

Oh, Einstein! I thought you said, Feinstein. I was like she been a California state senator since ’92, what she doing messin’ with space time continuums!?

Ha ha, Yea so basically Einstein discovered that massive objects cause a distortion in space-time. Imagine a big ol’ round booty sittin on a trampoline. The booty would press down the fabric, causing it to curve. Now if I come along n’ throw some money n’ diamonds at that ass, they’d spiral inward toward the booty, much the same way the gravity of the moon be pulling at Earth, ya know what I’m sayin?

Yes I am aware of what you are saying. Can you expound upon that premise?

Look, you wanna holler about a pound we can do that off the premises, I don’t move bricks for nobody unless we crew. You know what I’m sayin?

Uh… Yes I understand. Can you explain Einstein’s theory in greater detail?

Na, dawg we squashed that beef, that’s just how we do.

That is just how who do?

Ain’t nobody said nothin’ bout no voodoo nigga!

No, to whom were you referring when you said “that’s just how we do?”

Yo dawg, for reals you brought me here to talk theoretical physics, instead you be playin these mind games talkin bout voodoo n’ shit, I’m out!

 

Art Appreciation 101

Delphina’s Sick Again (1769AD)

This piece brilliantly captures the emotion and mindset of the late renaissance period. When people used to lie around all day, sullenly eating bruised fruit or staring off into space in total silence for hours at a time. During this era, nip-slips and side boobs did not quite make headlines as they do in modern times, however, it was not uncommon for a woman to give one of her misshapen breasts a good jiggle in order to coax a smile from the pessimistic company she kept; the result unfortunately was often just more sustained pouting.

To Catch A Predator (1811AD)

Here we see a classic arrangement of characters in various stages of dress; full military regalia… draped gypsy cloth… craggy peasant pubes. The ever-present storm looming off in the distance most likely indicates the artist could not afford the pricey Clear Blue Heaven™ pastel, opting for the more affordable Thunderboomer Grey™ or Doom & Gloom Yellow™.

It’s A Dry Heat (1243AD)

Whoa, big surprise, more people sulking. Here we see a patchwork of hard-to-please citizens from the Holy Roman Empire lazing around wondering when they can go watch a lion rip apart a few negros in the colosseum. Historical evidence suggests this type of racist Roman tailgate would have never occurred in the absence of alcohol, suggesting that the artist was most likely just too lazy to paint a chalice in everyone’s hand.

Lucky 13 (1483AD)

A beautifully elegant work from the late 15th century. In this piece, the artist chose to place his focus entirely on texture and balance. Here we see all the honeys getting wet, waiting for a chance to ride the long rigid vine. The repetitive, soft stroke of his tool creates fine detail in the warm supple moss, the silky-smooth pond water and the forest’s rich supply of honey-glazed ham wallets.

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Purple Pumpkin Eater (1967AD)

And now, fast forward a few hundred years to arrive at definitive proof that humans are moving backwards as a species. Modern Art; the Paula Poundstone of the art world. This perfectly good canvas was ruined by Burgoyne Diller, an American “abstract painter”. Abstract is a pleasant term given to those individuals dying to be called artists but could never draw or paint like one. Yet to every art lover’s astonishment, museums all across the globe continue to display this steaming pile of lazy on it’s walls year after year. Somewhere out there, right now, there is a stuffy art critic encouraging a group of students to look for deeper meaning in this piece.

Somewhere out there, right now, there is an off duty officer tempting children into his van with candy.

Edgar Allan Poe, The Lost Journal Entries.

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Edgar Allan Poe (1809 – 1849) was an American author and poet, best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre. Several of his personal journals were discovered during clean-up efforts after Hurricane Sandy. I am proud to announce that I have been granted special access and would now like to share these rare gems with my readership, Enjoy!

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Nickelback, Behind the Music.

Front to back in order of importance: Chad Kroeger, Mike Kroeger, Ryan #1, Ryan #2

Nickleback is a Canadian rock band hailing from Hanna, Alberta. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Hanna, Alberta, it’s a desolate stretch of unforgiving frozen tundra covered in a dense icepack for 11 months out of the year. It is prohibitively cold there and makes it almost impossible to perform any activity requiring fine motor skills such as knitting, painting, or practicing guitar. Since the town is a bitter cold wasteland for much of the year there isn’t much to do in Hanna besides huff gasoline in the garage, drink grain alcohol and punch your wife. The townsfolk often spend their evenings trading pills and enjoying the warmth inside the Gas & Go Convenient Mart. These gatherings are punctuated by the occasional fist fight where someone is usually slammed into the Slush Puppy™ machine and Karyn the bull dyke station clerk with the flapjack tits has to draw her shotgun, cocking it once to quell the skirmish. But, however cold and tortuous the elements are throughout the 11 month winters here, around late August the temperatures slowly rise and the snow cover gradually recedes back into the shadows and the citizens of Hanna no longer have to huddle at the Gas & Go for warmth; feeling soon returns to their frozen extremities. It is in this very short window of opportunity where Chad Kroeger, Ryan Peake, Mike Kroeger and Ryan Vikedal would meet and eventually come to reshape the course of modern rock music. Continue reading

If Florida Was A Person…

Florida is the drunk uncle with chronic chapped lips who always wants to show his nieces and nephews that farts are flammable. The typical mosquito-bitten moron who decides it’s a good idea to try to jump over the bonfire when all the girls are watching. Plaid shirt, mesh hat, flip flops and a Coleman styrofoam cooler come standard.  Spends most weekends unsuccessfully hunting elk or pounding dollar draughts and threatening the Karaoke DJ to “change the fuckin song, faggot.” Most are unemployed weed dealers or employed in construction, bait & tackle shops or Jiffy Lubes.

Yes, Florida is like the time where you tried to wipe your ass but ended up smearing more  around in the process and then coming to the realization that you are 30+ years old and having to take a shower in the middle of the afternoon to clean shit off yourself all because you were impatient, careless and unkempt so you decide while showering to shave your asshole to prevent a repeat occurrence but end up creating a situation a few days later where the hairs start to grow back like a thicket of poison ivy and now you’re having to find sneaky ways to scratch your own ass through your stone-washed jean pockets in the presence of others because holy fuck you actually tried shaving your brown eye with a Mach 3 like a stupid Floridian!