Tag Archives: funny

Morning Mishap

My lovely grayed and angry parents are in San Francisco visiting for the week so heavy drinking and masturbating are off the to-do list. Even though their hotel room is several blocks away, with my luck I’d get the urge to tug the a.m. wood at the exact moment they decide to “drop in” with coffee and bagels for a surprise breakfast.

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I can see it now: hot coffee hitting the floor, followed by bagels, followed by my fainting mother. Dad working himself into a huge huff, somehow blaming the whole situation on Obama’s second term, all while I’m thrashing around trying to cover up the crime scene.

No thanks, I’d rather be horny than hated.

Primates: An Owner’s Manual

 

Considering a pet? Consider a monkey. Owning a monkey can be very rewarding and will save you tons of time and energy with the proper training. Here is a quick overview of some basic monkey care & maintenance:

  • First, your monkey will have to be fed a strict vegetarian diet to simplify the management of it’s fecal output. Potty training is necessary, as keeping a diaper on a monkey is like boiling pasta with the lid on. Monkeys tend to be more comfortable than humans when handling feces, therefore owners must be diligent about performing daily spot checks under couch cushions and behind appliances.
  • Care for your monkey without making it feel loved or needed. A primate is not like a dog that will innocently hump your leg when it’s horny. A monkey will violently take that ass if it so desires.
  • Keep the monkey’s fingernails neatly trimmed. Risk of infection increases tenfold if the monkey chooses to scratch you with the same hand it juggles poop with. Also, be sure to comb the debris out of its hair… maybe rub its shoulders if it had a long day cleaning your apartment.
mean-looking-monkey

Trust must be earned. Until then, install a webcam to monitor the monkey’s behavior while you are away.

  • Assign the monkey a series of simple tasks such as replacing toilet paper rolls or setting the dinner table. Next, work your way up to having it draw you a bath or stealing your neighbor’s fed-ex packages.
  • In captivity, a monkey’s sex drive can be explosive and unpredictable – I suggest providing a pillow with a hole cut into it or a carnival-sized stuffed animal for the monkey to twerk on.
  • monkey attack

    Some species are not advised for those with children, elderly in-laws or small pets.

  • You will need to choose a monkey large enough to intimidate an adversary, yet not so strong that you couldn’t overpower it. If it happens to get drunk or out of line you must be willing to punch it in the neck and establish dominance early on, otherwise if your monkey senses fear it will not hesitate to rape you or a loved one for sport. Reprimand your monkey without fear of retaliation. Virtually all bronze package gym memberships provide owners with enough cardio and strength training to overpower a sober 40lb. monkey.

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Over time, a strong platonic bond should form between you and your monkey. This will allow you the freedom to ask it for increasingly laborious favors without it catching on to your scheme or rebelling too violently. This will take some time though, you can not rush things such as attrition.

These Prices Are Nuts!

Why would anyone risk smuggling cocaine inside their asshole when Whole Foods is moving pine nuts for $30 per pound! I don’t know what platinum-plated pine cone species they’re harvesting these seeds from, but it’s driving up the cost of my spinach and toasted pine nut salad through the fucking roof!

I tried substituting the pine nuts with peanuts yesterday but that just made my salad totally unenjoyable because who knew it’s IMPOSSIBLE EAT PEANUTS WITH A EFFING FORK! It’s not like semi-soft pine nuts that conveniently slide between the fork tines. Peanuts either roll off the side of the fork like a fat kid on a see-saw or split in half without any regard for your spinach-to-nut ratio!

I’m sure the Whole Foods cartel is just running a racket on the general public right now; assassinating pine cone farmers in Guatemala, clear cutting pine trees, lowering the supply to drive up prices in the States – It’s basic nut economics folks. But I know that no seed on the planet is worth an asking price of $30 per pound unless it sprouts into the clouds where giants shuffle around scratching their asses. Whole Foods is nuts if they think I’m supporting their dirty practices.

Target Consumer

Target is my favorite place to go when I want to observe horrible parents and their fat offspring. Stores like Target are just  feed-lots with tile floors. Suit & tie types usually shop within a 15 minute window and they’re out. The lower rungs of society graze the isles all afternoon like they just woke up from surgery.

Whatever. After dodging a small platoon of sugar-high mexican toddlers, I made my way to the toothpaste isle where I noticed they’re now selling Mint Chocolate flavored toothpaste because… fuck your teeth, that’s why!

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upperdecker.netCrest is marketing this trash with a massive “Be Adventurous” slogan on the box, right about where legit toothpastes put their ADA approved logo stating it will actually clean your teeth better than a broom handle. Didn’t we gain our independence from Britain so subsequent generations wouldn’t have rotten teeth?

 

 

 

 

Crouching Tranny, Hidden Butter

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I woke up at 2 am to the repetitive chant of some hoarse tranny hooker encouraging her pimp to “Get him Daddy! Get him Daddy!” 

Over and over and over until I finally got up. STFU Tranny! Thrashing out of my sheets, I jumped out of bed to see what the fuss was about and lo and behold, it was some pimp swinging a pipe toward some other pimp. Standard Saturday night recreation. In these instances I usually keep a half stick of unsalted Land-o-Lakes butter on hand to throw down on the street creatures that keep me up, but alas, I used the last of it on some lemon pepper salmon for dinner – it was delicious.

Screen shot 2014-07-27 at 6.43.25 PM
Butter is my preferred weapon when dealing with loud hookers and street noise. The last time I tried to use a water balloon the fucking thing exploded against the window frame and completely soaked me – standing there shirtless in wet boxers – not my proudest moment. So from now on it’s strictly butter. Even if frozen, it won’t crack any skulls like sweet potatoes, and if I can get it to smack down within a few feet of them they usually scatter like roaches.

Sound the Alarm

 

________________________________________________

From:  ****@gmail.com
To: audiologix@hotmail.com
Date:  Sat, Aug 3, 2013 at 6:11PM
Subject: question about car alarms

To whom it may concern,

I have a question about installing a car alarm in my 2000 Toyota 4runner but I wanted to know if you offer car alarms that can be customized?

Thanks,

Jack

________________________________________________

From:  audiologix@hotmail.com
To: ****@gmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 5, 2013 at 9:27AM
Subject: RE: question about car alarms

Hello Jack, Thank you for your interest in Audiologix.

We do offer car alarm installations (flexible-circuit alarms and single-stage sirens) on all makes and models and in terms of customizing  we would need to discuss what you are looking for.

If you’d like to set up an appointment  with us we will be able to give you a proper estimate on the installation, it takes about 15 minutes.

Thank you

Darren

________________________________________________

From:  ****@gmail.com
To: audiologix@hotmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 5, 2013 at 2:13PM
Subject: RE: RE: question about car alarms

Dear Darren,

To answer your question I would like to customize the sound emitted, so instead of the standard beep beep beep waah waah waah weee wooo weee wooo sound that everybody has, could I customize mine to be a big black guy saying: Get off the car! Or something. It doesn’t have to be a black guy but the natural rich timbre and depth in their voice may deter more thieves than some nasally white guy saying it, ya know?

Thanks,

Jack

_________________________________________________

From:  audiologix@hotmail.com
To: ****@gmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 5, 2013 at 2:46PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: question about car alarms

Interesting. I am aware of after market systems that allow you to customize the sound emitted by the siren but we do not offer those at Audiologix.

We do offer installation packages if you choose to bring in a system you purchased elsewhere, but this does limit our guarantee with regards to the functionality of the alarm itself.

Darren

_________________________________________________

From:  ****@gmail.com
To: audiologix@hotmail.com
Date:  Sat, Aug 10, 2013 at 10:53AM
Subject: Custom car alarm

Hello,

I had an email exchange with Darren at the beginning of the week and we talked about black people and installing a custom car alarm. I have purchased an alarm system from ebay and I would like to set up an appointment to get a price quote if possible. I have attached a picture of the alarm system, it would be great if you could give me a quote via email (it is for a 2000 Toyota 4runner)

Thank you so much,

Jack

attached file alarm.jpg (350mb)

blackguyalarm

_________________________________________________

From:  audiologix@hotmail.com
To: ****@gmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 12, 2013 at 9:06AM
Subject: RE: Custom car alarm

Hello Jack,

The alarm pictured in your last email does not feature customizable sound like you were asking about. To install the system pictured would cost around $165.00 assuming you have all the parts.

Darren

_________________________________________________

From:  ****@gmail.com
To: audiologix@hotmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 12, 2013 at 9:30AM
Subject: RE: RE: Custom car alarm

Wow that’s pricey Darren! I could buy two retired guard dogs from the shelter and chain them to the bumpers for $165!

I only wanted a customized alarm because so many cars have that annoying barrr barr woop woop sound that goes on and on all night long. People end up f*cking with your car because it is such a nuisance. My buddy installed a car alarm after a bum broke into his Honda and pooped in his backseat. But now every time large trucks drive by, it sets it off and the neighbors end up leaving mean notes on the windshield with lipstick. Attached below is a picture of an intimidating mannequin I found on ebay for $75, would you be able to install him for less?

Thank you,

Jack

attached file african-dream.jpg (359mb)

MN-140

_________________________________________________

From:  audiologix@hotmail.com
To: ****@gmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 12, 2013 at 12:47PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Custom car alarm

Jack, is this a joke? Our rates are some of the lowest in the city with a quality guarantee if you purchase an anti theft system through Audiologix. Stop by and we’ll talk.

Thank you,

Darren

________________________________________________

From:  ****@gmail.com
To: audiologix@hotmail.com
Date:  Mon, Aug 12, 2013 at 10:31PM
Subject: (no subject)

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attached file angry-2.jpeg (388mb)

attached file angry-3.jpeg (388mb)

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How To: Win a Fight in a Coffee Shop

If you’ve spent anytime in coffee shops here in San Francisco, you no doubt have been asked by a total stranger if you would “watch their stuff for a second”. It’s a fairly common occurrence and unless you’re a total shit-wipe the answer is always yes. Yes ma’am, I will watch your coffee, your bagel, and your $2100.00 Macbook Pro with the 15-inch, scrotum-tickling, crystal-clear retina display – no problem. 

But have you ever really thought about what saying yes involves? Have you ever pondered the reality of some 350lb. whiskey-soaked meat head lunging towards a total stranger’s stunningly beautiful 15-inch Macbook Pro with the hair-raising, nipple hardening, 5 million pixel retina display?

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