Tag Archives: sarcasm

These Prices Are Nuts!

Why would anyone risk smuggling cocaine inside their asshole when Whole Foods is moving pine nuts for $30 per pound! I don’t know what platinum-plated pine cone species they’re harvesting these seeds from, but it’s driving up the cost of my spinach and toasted pine nut salad through the fucking roof!

I tried substituting the pine nuts with peanuts yesterday but that just made my salad totally unenjoyable because who knew it’s IMPOSSIBLE EAT PEANUTS WITH A EFFING FORK! It’s not like semi-soft pine nuts that conveniently slide between the fork tines. Peanuts either roll off the side of the fork like a fat kid on a see-saw or split in half without any regard for your spinach-to-nut ratio!

I’m sure the Whole Foods cartel is just running a racket on the general public right now; assassinating pine cone farmers in Guatemala, clear cutting pine trees, lowering the supply to drive up prices in the States – It’s basic nut economics folks. But I know that no seed on the planet is worth an asking price of $30 per pound unless it sprouts into the clouds where giants shuffle around scratching their asses. Whole Foods is nuts if they think I’m supporting their dirty practices.

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Kanye West Turns South

Today Kanye West released his latest attempt at music with an album entitled Yeezus. :/

In other related news, I was about three seconds away from instagramming a titanic-sized turd I had taken earlier today but I opted not to because, you see… just because some things are created doesn’t mean they should be shared with others, no matter how big a pile of shit it is. And thus begins my album review of Kanye West’s Yeezus.

First off let’s explain the title for those readers older than 45. Kanye named it Yeezus because Yeezus rhymes with Jesus (whom he often compares himself to, though I highly doubt Kim Kardashian would ever marry a carpenter) Then take the last two letters of his first name (YE) and add a Z in there to make it all hip-hoppy because for some reason rappers don’t like the letter S. And voila, a ridiculous title sure to attract kids that have to keep one hand on their pants to keep them from falling.

The opening track On Site was produced by Daft Punk and rightly sounds like it was produced by throwing baked potatoes at the drums and keyboard for 2 minutes. Not the strongest start for an album but my curiosity was piqued.

Next, I thought the track Black Skinhead would surely tear the roof off by the sound of the title, however the opening lyrics left me bewildered and reaching for a wall: “For my theme song, got my leather black jeans on” ...I’m starting to regret wasting the 3 minutes it took to illegally download the album.

The following track, I Am A God is sure to raise a few eyebrows but mine were already raised by the “black leather jeans” lyric from the last song… can jeans even be leather? I thought denim was a requirement for pants to be considered jeans? West’s lyrics are so provocative and deep on so many levels, they really make you think… and for that I will pardon him if he wishes to wear leather from the waist down.

Another attempt to shock the listener, New Slaves leaves me thinking he must have left the studio unlocked for some stray animals to wander in and walk all over the gear, accidently recording this 5 minute mess. But the liner notes say nothing about strays. Hmm?

Next, Hold My Liquor leaves much to be desired in the hip-hop lyric and beats department, so far I’ve managed to make better beats vacuuming up pet hair and Cheerios.

There are five other “songs” on the album and they’re pretty much par for the course. If you ever decide to throw pots and pans into a wood chipper in an attempt to create music, don’t be surprised if you get sued for copyright infringement by Kanye West’s label.

Yeezus ★☆☆☆☆ (couldn’t figure out the keyboard shortcut for a half star, so he gets one whole one.)

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Picture 8

This guy Brian at work must have the most interesting stories any human being has ever told. The brilliant plot structure and character development are of pure genius. His wonderful narratives rival those of The Epic of Gilgamesh!

Move over Gilgamesh, Brian’s in town and he had like fuckin’ 6 shots of tequila and like fuckin’ 35 beers last night. And according to him: there were like these chicks at this table and he was all like fuckin’ buying them shots and he like got up to take a piss and fuckin’ came back and they all left and then he saw them drinking at this other bar across the street like an hour later!

Absolutely riveting Brian. Thank you.

Sippin’ Amaretto

 

Dear Hardcore Gangsta Rapper,

I realize that the word Amaretto rhymes with many other words in your highly developed, mind-expanding raps. However, what you may have failed to realize is that Amaretto is usually a spirit consumed by those aging individuals who poop their pants and wear Life Alert® bracelets in case they fall.

Gucci Mane

Of course I understand that after a long day of holding your pants up and limping around like you have a leg that doesn’t bend at the knee, you just want to sip a mild, refreshing beverage distilled from apricot pits because strawberry daiquiris hurt your hardcore tummy. I totally understand after a busy week of swearing in front of children, that you just want to take the edge off with a beverage Italian nannies use to cook with. But consider what this may doing to your hardcore image.

In conclusion, please don’t kill the messenger or smash a bottle of expensive bubbly across my face next time you see me in VIP. I’m only telling you this because I think it will help your tough-guy image if you start rhyming about single malt Scotch or Bourbon while you serenade society’s downfall.

Cheers!

Shoulda Put A NuvaRing On It

Beyonce’s popularity has certainly skyrocketed into the stratosphere over the past month. I can’t even walk one city block without hearing some product sponge talking about how awesome Beyonce is… I’ve always maintained she looked like a show horse with a wig on, but whatever.

So before she ends up doing a concert on the moon performing all 70 of her “women are better than men” songs for the entire Earth, I think it’s only fitting that I take this thoroughbred down a few notches, 5 to be precise:

Smelt It Delt It Beyonce

Heimlich Maneuver Beyonce

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Short Bus Beyonce

Backstage Beyonce

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Hernia Hair Whip Beyonce

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Go Go Gadget Goiter Beyonce

She’s so hot.

Lease renewal

Screen shot 2012-11-30 at 10.56.29 AM

____________________________________________________________________

From:  ****@jenscorp.com
To: *****@ollieox.net
Date:  Sat, Nov 17, 2012 at 6:14PM
Subject: Lease renewal

Hi Jack,

I have not received a signed copy of your rental renewal agreement. I will need that form back as soon as possible or I need to know if you will be vacating the apartment in December.

Thanks,

****

____________________________________________________________________

From:  *****@ollieox.net
To: ****@jenscorp.com
Date:  Sat, Nov 17, 2012 at 6:20PM
Subject: RE: Lease renewal

****,

I’m still trying to decide. I’ve grown quite accustomed to the bedbugs or whatever keeps eating me alive in the middle of the night here in your dilapidated shelter. I guess we’ll never know since you won’t send in a professional to look into the problem like I had asked over 3 months ago. Then again, I haven’t had companionship in almost a year now. It’s nice to have another living being put it’s mouth on me at night.

Sorry for the delay,

Jack

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Happy Halloween

Hey girls, I know you spent so much time, effort and creative energy taking your costume out of the bag this year. How on Earth did you come up with the idea to be a pirate!? The historical accuracy is astounding!

I remember reading a biography on the infamous Blackbeard the pirate once. Scholars talked about how he would always sail into port screaming “Whooo Yeaaah Halloween Motherfucker!” with his tits and ass spilling out of his tight skimpy revealing outfit. A fearsome pirate he was; polystyrene sword by his side. Most times off the docks he’d be screaming at his meaty boyfriend out in the street to stop throwing beer bottles and trying to start fights with other revelers. Blackbeard would often leave his keys, money or ID back on the ship. But this didn’t bother Blackbeard, he never had to pay for anything, including drinks. Often these nights in port would end in tears and smeared mascara, but some nights totally, like, fucking rocked – going down on some random villager in a bathroom stall who let Blackbeard snort his last crumbs of molly off the toilet paper dispenser at Club Intrigue. And after a raucous night on the town Blackbeard would often drunkenly stumble back to his ship carrying his high heels in hand because his feet would be so sore from dancing to laser lights and loud techno all night. Such is the legend of Blackbeard and you girl’s nailed it!