Tag Archives: science

Calm Down There, Astronaut

I’m trying to watch this otherwise wonderful documentary on the cosmos but every time they cut to this one Astronomer Philip, he starts giving his Hollywood scripted doomsday scenarios about an asteroid hitting Earth, or the Sun exploding like a Supernova… Christ Almighty Philip! Can I just learn about space without all the Hollywood shtick?

And of course they’ve got CGI special effects to illustrate his wild scenarios in full detail – because learning about the Universe isn’t fascinating enough without footage of NYC getting blown the fuck up by an angry Quasar. In fact, if they took out all the scenes of recognizable landmarks being vaporized, the documentary would be nothing but intro credits and one hour of Astro-Philip talking to himself in the dark. Now that the shuttle program is grounded, I’m sure he just sits around mission control all day, calculating how far a Pulsar could flip a school bus or something.

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I can assume his bosses in Houston won’t let him on the space station either. He’s a little too buggy-eyed to be trusted up there – I’m sure he’d try snorting Adderall off of the control panel and end up steering it towards the Sun. That’s probably why he’s on the Discovery channel instead of in orbit; it keeps him occupied when he’s not scraping the rust off of old shuttle parts.

There’s Nothing Sexy About A Zebra

The Zebra. Nature’s cold shower. Consider that a tiger-striped thong is fundamentally sexier than a zebra-striped thong, yet it’s basically the same pattern… not necessarily because the color orange is sexier than the color white, but because I assume tigers don’t shit on their own tails like stupid zebras.

Tigers also have a lethal set of razor sharp teeth that allow it to hunt and kill. Cool! Zebras have teeth for biting at the flies hitching a ride on their ass. Not cool.

Retractable tiger claws are badass! That’s why the Wolverine comic character is so successful. I doubt if he had retractable zebra hooves he’d be fighting much crime or drawing crowds to the cinema. He’d just be out galloping around like an idiot blocking traffic and tearing up the neighbor’s flowerbed. Nothing is less sexy than a hoof. It’s just a toenail growing out of it’s leg. 

 

Gucci Mane Explains Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

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Gucci, what can you tell us about Einstein’s theory of relativity?

What? Theory who?

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, can you explain what that is?

Oh, Einstein! I thought you said, Feinstein. I was like she been a California state senator since ’92, what she doing messin’ with space time continuums!?

Ha ha, Yea so basically Einstein discovered that massive objects cause a distortion in space-time. Imagine a big ol’ round booty sittin on a trampoline. The booty would press down the fabric, causing it to curve. Now if I come along n’ throw some money n’ diamonds at that ass, they’d spiral inward toward the booty, much the same way the gravity of the moon be pulling at Earth, ya know what I’m sayin?

Yes I am aware of what you are saying. Can you expound upon that premise?

Look, you wanna holler about a pound we can do that off the premises, I don’t move bricks for nobody unless we crew. You know what I’m sayin?

Uh… Yes I understand. Can you explain Einstein’s theory in greater detail?

Na, dawg we squashed that beef, that’s just how we do.

That is just how who do?

Ain’t nobody said nothin’ bout no voodoo nigga!

No, to whom were you referring when you said “that’s just how we do?”

Yo dawg, for reals you brought me here to talk theoretical physics, instead you be playin these mind games talkin bout voodoo n’ shit, I’m out!

 

There Were No Fat Cavemen.

Many moons ago, human beings did not live by the comforts of technology. Fire and its procurement were essential to survival and every man had to hunt and gather his/her own food. This was a time when man did not sit for long periods  watching people from New Jersey gel their hair and fight each other, nor spend their evenings surfing internet chat rooms, seated for hours in a sweaty leather chair without pants on. No, life in this time was one of mere survival. Let’s take a look at what a typical day was like for prehistoric man…

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