Tag Archives: waiters

Fucking Foodies

Living in San Francisco you are constantly surrounded by talk of food trends and the latest restaurants; people drooling like idiots over the last place they ate, what their favorite dishes are… blah blah blah… go juggle pumpkins!

These holier-than-thou culinary crusaders refer to themselves as “foodies” which according to Webster’s thesaurus is a synonym for pretentious blow hard. Hearing these hob-nobs talk at length about food is like watching the WNBA preseason, I’d rather be slapped in the face with a dead fish. It leads me to believe the most exciting thing these “foodies” have done with their lives is pull lint from the dryer screen. The only time I talk in detail about food is when that one rogue nacho stabs the roof of my mouth and my girlfriend comes in asking me why I just yelled “motherfucker” out loud. I digress.

“Oh, the white bean skin sformato and chopped chive gluten-free asiago focaccia rolls are to die for! We should go fuck ourselves for dessert!”

What I really want to address is portion sizes in these trendsetting dinner douche-barns. Just the other day a couple of friends and I checked out a new spot we heard was “amazing!”. To spare you the salty details we each dropped $100 on some sautéed shrimp antennae bullshit and left ready to eat a second dinner. Now I’m no expert, but all I know is I felt like I just had one of those street magicians take my watch without me noticing: I sit down, the bill arrives and I’m still hungry – “amazing!”

“You should try this place called Copperfield’s on 24th street – they punch you in the neck, tear one sleeve off of your shirt and make your money disappear, it’s amazing!

In summary, there is no summary. Just keep your bacon wrapped steamed raisin husks and your dill stuffed corn kernel creations outta my grill – this man’s gotta eat!

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The Greatest Story Ever Told

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This guy Brian at work must have the most interesting stories any human being has ever told. The brilliant plot structure and character development are of pure genius. His wonderful narratives rival those of The Epic of Gilgamesh!

Move over Gilgamesh, Brian’s in town and he had like fuckin’ 6 shots of tequila and like fuckin’ 35 beers last night. And according to him: there were like these chicks at this table and he was all like fuckin’ buying them shots and he like got up to take a piss and fuckin’ came back and they all left and then he saw them drinking at this other bar across the street like an hour later!

Absolutely riveting Brian. Thank you.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

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Oh I’m fuming this morning. Some news channel in Stockton, CA ran a story today about a group of women being outraged after being called fat girls on a restaurant receipt. OH MY GOD! Wooot Wooot! SOUND THE ALARM! Some cheese hogs in California are offended because it was called to their attention they consume too many resources!? Sorry Omega Mu’s, you don’t have a right to make headlines just because your miffed that Jeff called attention to your poor life choices. Besides, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for your cause, when you are out scarfing down Coke and TriTip Steak with Fries!?

Now I’m no detective but I can surmise that this wasn’t the first soda these hefty heifers sucked down today. I’m sure they each sat on their gigantic helipad of an ass the entire afternoon, slurping corn syrup at their desks, chewing their cud, depleting the ozone with french fry flavored methane emissions, jiggling around with excitement about going to some nasty chain restaurant for “Girls night out!”  meaning: “We’re all single because we’ve neglected our bodies to the point we look like warm bags of greek yogurt, so rather than change our deep-fried lifestyle we’re just going to commiserate at Chili’s and talk about men and clothes and everything except exercise and proper diet!”

No Mama Cass, it’s not ok that you are overgrown. No Karen, it’s not some fucking glandular problem. You Campbell’s Thick and Chunky chicks need to join a gym and stop making excuses, or at least start jogging to Chili’s for those tri tips! Maybe what you need is a super-sized scoop of embarrassment so you start contributing more to society than driving up the cost of our healthcare. My suggestion is ditch the soda and fried food for some vegetables and go buy a damn jump-rope …until you do, you’re just gonna be fat girls.

The Life of a Waiter vol. 2

When a table asks me for something but I’m not their waiter:

When a food runner drops the wrong dish at my table:

When a table requests a different table after I’ve poured all of them water:

Every old person’s reaction when I ask how their meal is:

“Excuse me waiter, could you take our picture?”

After my last table finally decides to leave:

Table leaves 25%

The Life of a Waiter vol.1

The Life of a Waiter vol. 1

“We aren’t really hungry, can we just order some drinks?”

•••

“I’m sorry, we are out of the fettuccine tonight.”

•••

“Excuse me waiter, can you take 35 in cash and split the rest between these 4 cards”

•••

For every old fart who asks for lemon and Splenda with their water:

•••

“Is there anything on the menu that’s vegan?”

•••

We stop serving at 11:00 and someone comes in at 10:54

•••

How I feel when hot girls are seated in my section:

•••

What I wished hot girls felt when they find out I’m their waiter:

•••

How they really feel:

•••

Everyone who says they have a gluten allergy:

•••

“That party of 10 just tipped on top of the 18% auto gratuity!”

•••

Everyone in the restaurant when you break a glass:

•••

Two people on a date start kissing at the table:

•••

“You’re gonna take table 54, can you bring them a highchair and two booster seats?”

•••

“No, the chef does not allow substitutions”

•••

When I clear an empty plate and they jokingly say: “We didn’t like it”

The Life of a Waiter vol. 2